Computer Issues Resolved....Again

I am finally able to be back again, after another bout of computer woes. A brand new hard drive and a couple weeks later, I am back on track. Now to do the obnoxious task of reformatting things, reuploading application documents, and getting things generally in order.

I finally began subbing, a couple days last week, and will sub a few days this week. My thoughts on it are mixed. I love and hate the freedom. I love that no one will bother me if I need/wish to take a day off. The only one who suffers if I take a day is my wallet. If I feel sick, which is a lot lately (I haven't been sick as much in my whole life as I have been the last 6 months), or need to catch up on sleep, or an event comes up, I just don't sign up to work. But the curse of that is that it can be very difficult to force myself to go in when I don't feel like it. I didn't sleep a wink night before last, and was exhausted and took the day to deal with my computer stuff. I had every intention of waking up at 5:30am to look for a job for today...but I woke up at 8:30, having apparently slept through three alarms. Luckily (and unfortunately), a pet sitting issue came up that kept me busy, so it worked out for the best.

Having time off isn't too bad. So far, I've found that on days I sub I end out the day so tired I am incapable of being productive. I was in two pretty good rooms last week, but there were some meltdowns. On Monday I was in a room where the teacher had plans that had me directly teaching two different groups of kids two different subjects at the same time, saying all the kids were lovely when there were a couple that had clear behavioral issues that needed constant monitoring. One thing I learned about subbing: you can learn a lot about the type of classroom the teacher runs, structure-wise, by asking the students what normally is done in ________ situation. In both of the rooms last week, the second and first graders I was with all told me the same procedures if I asked about them. They knew what the rules were, respected them, and wished to help me genuinely. On Monday, when I asked the children what the procedures were for small things not described in my plans from the teacher, I got about 10 different answers from 16 children. I don't believe they were trying to lead me astray, they are in second grade. Young children generally try to please. I really believe they were not sure, from the teacher not emphasizing strict routines or not having them. Too bad I can't inquire about those things in advance before accepting a job.

I am applying for jobs, but feeling kind of aimless. The issue of there being so many places I would be willing to go makes the process extremely unfocused. I got some great leads on jobs in this area, but I am pretty ready to be done with this area and try somewhere new.

Dating is a hot mess, one I am sort of taking a break from. One observation I can make is that the men who match with me on OkCupid at 90% or above tend to be extremely not right for me. I am not totally sure how that happens, but how is it that an empathetic, emotional person like me gets matched 97% with a guy who quite literally could have an autism diagnosis if he went to get tested, and was incapable of caring enough about people to make a real friend? We got along great on many levels, so it isn't out of nowhere. But my ex had emotional challenges as well that caused major problems...95% match at the time. Just an interesting observation. I would love to understand how the algorithms work to cause such a disparity.

Back to regular posts now. I missed writing, even if it is just about tea or beauty. Helps me to connect with myself, my interests, and refocuses my efforts to improve myself.

Icy Day

My motivation is a bit off today, and has been lately. Getting signed up for subbing has just been one annoying road block after another, the latest being that I need to get a new TB test done. And of course, it is ice pellet-ing today. Schools are closed, and I nearly killed myself getting something from my car, so no driving to get it done today.

I am trying to maintain perspective. Worked on application stuff for contract positions instead, repeating in my head that this is really the end goal. Subbing is just something to do, a way to get my face into schools, and make a little money while I work on getting the contract job. The real goal. Without that I have little to no idea where I am headed in 6 months, which is not a state of being I really enjoy.

Additionally, I realized yesterday that today was my dear friend Tracy's birthday. Tracy passed away from breast cancer almost four years ago at age 30. I truly can't believe how time has flown, but it also somehow feels so much longer than that. I met her two months before she got diagnosed, when I had just moved to Baltimore and begun working at the animal hospital. I was having a hell of a time fitting in there and adjusting to my new position. In the months after her diagnosis, we started to get a lot closer. I didn't know then that after she was diagnosed, she lost a huge number of her oldest friends. I never thought about her cancer as impacting whether or not we would be friends. She was a lovely, inspiring person who never ever stopped working for her dreams and improving herself. She was diagnosed as stage 4, but still sought out opportunities to go back to school and start her own business.

I think, as frustrated as I am about my employment situation, it was good for me to have reason to stop and remember her so much today. Not because I am alive and she is not and she was SO alive right up until she wasn't, or because I feel bad for being frustrated. But because she would be so proud of what I am doing, even at my most frustrated. She saw the good in everything. To this day, the most touching compliment I have ever received was the time she told me I was brave. It was six months after I moved to Baltimore, deeply struggling with the transition, and learning to live on my own. I was telling her that I was feeling like a failure at my job, at practical life things like knowing what to do when the car won't start, and other practical day to day things I seemed to lack knowledge about. And she just looked at me and told me that I was one of the bravest people she had ever met. I had chosen a profession that was hard, not really in line with the expectations of my family, and moved to a new city where I really didn't know many people to make a life for myself. She had never left Baltimore, and I had never considered how it might affect someone to never live anywhere else.

So while I might not be meeting standards I set for myself, pretty much ever, I try to remember how supportive Tracy was, and that I shouldn't minimize what I am doing because even if it is not going as quickly as I would like or according to plan, it is more than most people even try to do. I should be proud.

So today, I am working on the big dream, the contract job stuff, in Tracy's honor, and not worrying about subbing. Well, not worrying as much as I am capable of not worrying. I have been talking to a new guy on OkCupid, a professional musician who seems to live very much in the now. I wasn't expecting to enjoy him as much as I have been, and he said he would call to talk again today or tomorrow. He is a lovely phone chatter, which helps undo some of the dating frustration. I think regardless of what does or doesn't happen, he was the exact right person for me to encounter right now, during a time where I need help worrying less about the future even as I work towards it.

I am also working on my yearly goals by making a new recipe today. I have one planned to post about already, and this will be another if it turns out as well as I hope it will. Today is an icy, semi rainy day. Tracy always said that she loved rainy days, not because she liked the rain, but because we need the rain. Today is a rainy day.

Life Fail

So, as fast as things can go well, they can start to get all weird and messed up as well. Nothing earth-shattering, but plenty that can leave a person (me, anyway) kind of bummed and frustrated.

Guy from the amazing date has pulled a disappearing act. Not much more to be said there, beyond me being a little surprised. I have experienced fade-aways before, they are common in the world of internet dating, but I have never experienced it when dealing with a guy who was SO into things. Oh well, it sucks, but it happens. There is still hope for my romantic life that I did not have before, so it wasn't all bad.

My computer is broken. It is a TERRIBLE time for my computer to be broken given the job applications I am trying to put out. When my charger is attached to the computer, it is a bit loose at the port. I have no idea if the issue is the computer or the charger, but I am hoping with all of my might that it is the charger because I can't afford fixing the computer. I have an appointment to get it diagnosed in an hour, and I have just enough charge to write this and back up my important files.

On the plus side, the insanity of being into the guy and the frustration when he disappeared made me amp up my walking game like a boss. Typically, I aimed for a mile and a half (around 30 minutes) a day when the weather was good, 3 miles (an hour) on days I was really trying to get some exercise. The new standard has become 3 miles on a lazy day, with 4-5 miles as my exercise standard. I have been more into walking for longer stretches to loud music I love than shorter runs, which is probably good while I am jobless. Couch to 5k is still something I intend to do, and want to do, but sometimes a person just needs to adjust their exercise for what they need to be mentally healthy.

Here's hoping the computer isn't screwed.

Updates: Teaching, Weight Loss, Dating

My certification is in, which means I am officially a teacher and can (and am) applying for jobs as I like. The relief that this process didn't take too long is overwhelming. Hopefully I will be subbing soon. The head of field experiences for my program emailed me with news of a long term sub position she thought I might be interested in, 5th grade for a local parochial school. Not a place I had ever really imagined being, particularly in a grade that is outside my cert. For parochial schools, a teaching certificate is not a legal requirement so I could teach any grade they would accept me for. I don't think it is a wise thing to take at this point, as I will hopefully be going on lots of interviews for contract positions in April and May and June, but having the glimmer of hope that something soon will go my way professionally was REALLY needed. After two and a half years of studying, I have been feeling like a real job is so close yet so far...and it got just a little bit closer with that email. 

I have been making good progress on making good exercise choices, though my running has been stalled due to having a lot of pet sits taking up my time, and not awesome weather. I have been walking many days a week though, which is still the most important activity to me. I have been making progress with my weight loss, slowly. In the first two weeks of the new year I have already learned to make four new recipes (out of the 50 I hope to learn this year), though I have not been counting calories in the strictest sense. That being said, I am trying not to weigh myself except for once every few weeks, maybe even once per month so I can avoid the losses and gains from hormones, and not focus on the number as much as the choices that contribute to the number that is my weight. As of now I am 308 pounds, down 7 pounds from my original post, though pretty far from my original end of the year goal. Student teaching ended up being too all-consuming to focus enough on what I was eating. But now I am back on track.

I also went on a date this week that was the first I've been on that made me excited for a LONG time. I've dated since my breakup, but it was more to get back into the mental space of dating, and to help give me things to do given how few friends I now have around here since the breakup. But they were all just one or maybe two dates with the same kind of not-so-interesting man. Given my life circumstances being in such transition, I haven't been willing to compromise on anything I might want in a partner. Only the best would be worth the effort. This latest guy so far has met my best and then some, and I couldn't be happier. Some hope is in my professional future, and even if things don't go anywhere I now have hope in my romantic future as well. So far this is an amazing start to 2015.

Hello, my name is Leah. I am...

...looking for a change.

So many women my age seem to be in this state of transition I appear to feel stuck in, have been stuck in for years, but only just noticed. Most of my friends are married, many of the ones who are not will be soon. Many of my friends are 5+ years into a successful career, despite the economy making that rather difficult for most of my graduating class. With these two things, they are moderately secure, financially and socially. These are the people who at least appear to have successfully navigated the transition from lost 20something to adult. Then there are the rest of us.

I recently broke up with the man I really thought I might spend the rest of my life with. However, things have a way of working out for the better when it comes to these things. I currently have a profile on a popular online dating site, OkCupid, on which I have had success in the past. Some days that fact fills my heart with excitement of the possibilities...and others it makes me lose all hope in humanity. Seriously, anyone who has done the online dating thing knows exactly what I am talking about. (No really - just google "okcupid fails" and like a shitton of sites come up documenting the insanity that is online dating. Here is just one example if you needed any more proof: http://deadcupid.tumblr.com/ )

I am about to break into a new career field, having never really established a career after college to begin with. As it turns out, when the economy shits the bed and the jobs start getting scarce, having a Bachelor's in Animal Behavior isn't particularly helpful. I worked in the animal care field until realizing I wouldn't be able to feed myself AND my cats with that money (very important for a single lady, you know, as we apparently are required to have some cats). Now, I am finishing up my certification in Early Childhood Education from a small PA school, because finding a teaching position is also rather difficult, but at least when you get one you AND your cats can afford to eat.

I am 29 years old, and I feel nearly as lost as when I was 22, though I am a slightly better cook now. But with student teaching this fall, dating new people for the first time in four years, I am ready for some other changes too. Baby steps like cooking things, organizing my apartment so it looks like a home, and developing my skills as a new teacher. So this blog is for me, documenting some of the changes that are happening and will be happening soon, changes I know have been happening for years now without my notice. And talking about things I like, like tea, and makeup, and animals, and whatever else I like. If you are here reading all this, I hope you enjoy. Or, I am sorry, depending on how interesting my dating life has become.