Monday, February 9, 2015

Icy Day

My motivation is a bit off today, and has been lately. Getting signed up for subbing has just been one annoying road block after another, the latest being that I need to get a new TB test done. And of course, it is ice pellet-ing today. Schools are closed, and I nearly killed myself getting something from my car, so no driving to get it done today.

I am trying to maintain perspective. Worked on application stuff for contract positions instead, repeating in my head that this is really the end goal. Subbing is just something to do, a way to get my face into schools, and make a little money while I work on getting the contract job. The real goal. Without that I have little to no idea where I am headed in 6 months, which is not a state of being I really enjoy.

Additionally, I realized yesterday that today was my dear friend Tracy's birthday. Tracy passed away from breast cancer almost four years ago at age 30. I truly can't believe how time has flown, but it also somehow feels so much longer than that. I met her two months before she got diagnosed, when I had just moved to Baltimore and begun working at the animal hospital. I was having a hell of a time fitting in there and adjusting to my new position. In the months after her diagnosis, we started to get a lot closer. I didn't know then that after she was diagnosed, she lost a huge number of her oldest friends. I never thought about her cancer as impacting whether or not we would be friends. She was a lovely, inspiring person who never ever stopped working for her dreams and improving herself. She was diagnosed as stage 4, but still sought out opportunities to go back to school and start her own business.

I think, as frustrated as I am about my employment situation, it was good for me to have reason to stop and remember her so much today. Not because I am alive and she is not and she was SO alive right up until she wasn't, or because I feel bad for being frustrated. But because she would be so proud of what I am doing, even at my most frustrated. She saw the good in everything. To this day, the most touching compliment I have ever received was the time she told me I was brave. It was six months after I moved to Baltimore, deeply struggling with the transition, and learning to live on my own. I was telling her that I was feeling like a failure at my job, at practical life things like knowing what to do when the car won't start, and other practical day to day things I seemed to lack knowledge about. And she just looked at me and told me that I was one of the bravest people she had ever met. I had chosen a profession that was hard, not really in line with the expectations of my family, and moved to a new city where I really didn't know many people to make a life for myself. She had never left Baltimore, and I had never considered how it might affect someone to never live anywhere else.

So while I might not be meeting standards I set for myself, pretty much ever, I try to remember how supportive Tracy was, and that I shouldn't minimize what I am doing because even if it is not going as quickly as I would like or according to plan, it is more than most people even try to do. I should be proud.

So today, I am working on the big dream, the contract job stuff, in Tracy's honor, and not worrying about subbing. Well, not worrying as much as I am capable of not worrying. I have been talking to a new guy on OkCupid, a professional musician who seems to live very much in the now. I wasn't expecting to enjoy him as much as I have been, and he said he would call to talk again today or tomorrow. He is a lovely phone chatter, which helps undo some of the dating frustration. I think regardless of what does or doesn't happen, he was the exact right person for me to encounter right now, during a time where I need help worrying less about the future even as I work towards it.

I am also working on my yearly goals by making a new recipe today. I have one planned to post about already, and this will be another if it turns out as well as I hope it will. Today is an icy, semi rainy day. Tracy always said that she loved rainy days, not because she liked the rain, but because we need the rain. Today is a rainy day.

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